Have you ever connected with your anger?
Do you know want it really wants for you? It's intention for showing up in your life?
This morning, as I was getting settled in to work on a course I'm trying to finish up, I felt a call to meditate first.
I opened my Mesa (a Shaman's portal or altar, so to speak), pulled up my meditation cushion and began my breathing. I connected to my body and the areas of tension. As I did this, I was reminded of what I learned in my course the day before and what my medical astrologer/herbalist had shared with me during our session last night. The areas I seem to be holding the most tension, pain and stiffness are trigger points for ANGER and frustration.
As I continued to connect my breath to my body, I decided I wanted to explore ANGER. You see, I'm also learning about the connection (or rather disconnect) between emotions and disordered eating and how it affects so many women. This can manifest is bulimia, anorexia, overeating, overweight, underweight, body shaming, mindlessness, and so much more.
I set my intention: Anger, I want to get to know you better.
What color are you? Red, right?! Well, maybe not for you. Ask, find out. For me, she's red, red-orange.
What do you feel like? Fire, hot, sweaty, maybe tears, heart racing, steam, boiling, shaky, rage. Intense, loss of control, permission to lose control, action. Tension, then release. Volcanic! What does she feel like for you?
What do you want for me? What's your positive intention for me? She told me she wants me to have courage, confidence, to speak MY truth, to have freedom to do so, release/relief, to be heard, acknowledged for being ME in all ways (not just the perfect parts, but the not to pretty parts, too). She wants me to feel accepted and loved even when I'm not so pretty. She wants me to be understood even when I'm different.
I began to feel my root chakra tingling. I began to feel excited! I began to feel love and gratitude for my ANGER. She really wants some good shit for me!
I thanked her.
I thanked her for all the years she's protected me, kept me safe and helped me find courage to say something that was on my mind that I was too fearful to say. I thanked her for giving me momentum to make changes that without her, I was passive and complacent.
I felt her. I felt her in my trapezius, in my psoas, in my hips. And I felt her relax, just a wee bit.
I assured her. And I let her know I wanted to try a new way of getting those things. A new way that wasn't so full of fire and frustration. I wanted her to know that I will ALLOW her to show up and to flow through me, back to the earth to be transmuted and healed. I will not shut her up. I will not try to make her be quiet by stuffing food in my mouth. I won't try to hide her by burying her in my body. I will honor her when she shows up because I know she has my best intentions in mind.
My new MANTRAS:
It is safe for me to feel anger.
It is important for me to LISTEN to anger and give gratitude for it's intention for me.
I let anger flow through me, returning to the earth for healing.
It is safe to be ME.
It is ok to have a different way of BE-ing, of thinking.